NOTE...another delayed (& heavily re-edited) post (I started this in June...whew!), similar to
the cloth diaper post &
the birth story post...it takes me a lot longer to put my thoughts together now (mommy brain ;)
By NO MEANS does having a baby almost 8 months ago make me an expert, but since I've learned a ton in the past half 3/4 of a year, I thought I'd share some insight on some of the best parenting advice I've received/learned so far...
the schedule vs. routine debate
Frustrated that Abram was still not napping well, I asked our pediatrician at Abram's 4 month well baby appointment about crying it out. I told him I had read about it & was considering using the
Ferber Method, but leaning more towards
Dr. Sears' Method but like all the sleep training methods say, I wanted to ask him about it first to make sure Abram was healthy & old enough to try it. He sweetly leaned down & gave my little boy a peck on the top of his head & said that "
until a baby is 6 months old you should always respond to him or her." He said that until that point, there is always a reason that a baby cries & thankfully it's only one of a few things (hungry, tired, wet, or just wants to be held). He stated that at 6 months old, they start to become more social & will cry because they don't want to do what they need to do because they enjoy playing & hanging out with you. He said only then is it okay to try sleep training. I must have shot him quite a look because he gave me an understanding smile that read "I've been there...it's no fun, but it passes."
And guess what...IT DID! And he was right.
Before Abram turned 6 months old (almost to the day), whenever he got upset it was because he needed something...and most of the time, it was cuddles. Little boy just liked to be held by Matthew or myself a lot. And you know what, even though there was many a day that I didn't get a lot done, I miss the times that Abram would fall asleep nursing & the only way he would stay asleep is if I kept him in my arms. Because now, my independent I'll-do-it-myself boy (go figure, look at his mother) RARELY falls asleep on me anymore & doesn't snuggle or cuddle with me much anymore unless he has just woken up :( Don't get me wrong, every once in a while he loves to be held (he gives a cute little hoot & reaches up at me...too cute), but most of the time, my little guy wants to play independently. He LOVES to play on the floor on his back (he never was a fan of tummy time since he learned to roll over...I have no clue when he'll learn to crawl, right now he'd rather roll towards something he wants than attempt to wiggle towards it).
AND he lets me know when he's tired now! No more watching him like a hawk for sleepy cues. Myself or another person will be holding him or playing with him or he'll be playing independently & all the sudden there's a little hoot (he does this really cute owl-like sound...adorable) & I'll know it's time for his nap.
Let me backtrack for a second...please understand, I am in no way trying to knock any moms that swear by certain schedules. If it works for you & your family...it works for you & your family. Some moms & dads let their babies cry it out...if that works for you & keeps you sane (keeping sane is sooo essential when you're a new daddy or mommy) that's what works for you & I'm not here to criticize. This is what Matthew & I have found works for us. I guess you can say it's a mostly baby-led routine (barring the occasional day when we have outside plans)...more on that later.
While I'm on the "keeping sane" note...
there were times I thought I was going insane. I read up on so many schedules that Matthew would get a scowl on his face every time I mentioned the word. I don't blame him...for a time, I hated the word, too. Along with things I read up on, I asked almost every mom I knew if they followed a certain one. General consensus? Basically everyone said something different...booo.
The advice I got the most when I asked? Pay attention to his cues & he will develop his own schedule soon. Again, sooo right. This very solicited advice came from Matthew's mom & sisters (have I ever mentioned how much I love them?), they are so wise! So, since not only Abram's pediatrician, but the very experienced mommas of 15 kiddos (Matthew comes from a BIG family) said so, I decided to let Abram decide when he wanted to eat & sleep instead of when I wanted him to eat & sleep. And slowly, but surely, life started to make more sense.
Around this time, I read an interesting article on the mindset of modern mothers & really appreciated it's perspective. The article stated that a new trend in parenting is to try to adapt new babies to the parent's desires rather than paying attention to the baby's needs. I had honestly never thought of schedules in that way before. Instead of following a schedule, the author suggested coming up with a routine that was based mostly around what the baby dictated he or she needed. The author said that of course, this routine would have to be tweaked for the occasional appointment or weekend plans, but to try to make each day for your baby as consistent as possible so that they can develop their own normal.
In most cases when this was done, the baby naturally fell into a very healthy sleeping & eating pattern on their own within about 2 weeks. The article also stated that when a parent feels that schedule needs to be in place, it's often because the parent(s) have been enabling a bad habit to develop. For example, it took Abram a while to develop an appropriate bedtime. When he was a newborn, instead of putting him in his crib once it was dark out, I let him fall asleep on the couch next to me so I could hang out with Matt downstairs & veg out. Even though he was sleeping, I should have placed him in his crib so he learned to fall asleep earlier for the night. Because it was convenient for me (& I like watching his cute little self sleep :) I wouldn't put him in his crib for the night until when I was going to bed. Starting around when Abram was 3 months old, I would put him to bed for the night around 9:30 (with a dream feeding that he woke up for on his own around 3:00 AM) & a wake-for-the-day feeding (when he woke up on his own) around 9:30 AM. This was wonderful, except for the fact that because Abram woke up for the day so late in the morning, his nap routine was so off. He was an excellent napper until he was around 3 months old & I let this pattern develop just because I wanted to sleep in. It took about 2 months to break this habit & ease into an appropriate nap routine...not cool, because at that time, the project I was on with work required me to get 20 hours of work-from-home log time per week. Because I was so exhausted in the morning & he went to bed late, I depended on Abram's almost non-existent naps to get my work done. It was a super challenging time, especially because Matthew was in the middle of coaching b-ball, so I couldn't always depend on his help after he got home from school. Not that Matthew wasn't a huge help...he really was (I have no clue how single parents do it). But will we time another child to be born right at the beginning of b-ball season? No way! Looking back, if we were able to have children like the average couple, Abram would have been born in February of 2010, not 10 whole months later. But God had other plans, which in the end, was exactly the way things were supposed to be. While Matthew was with us almost full time for the first 10 days of Abram's life (& with us again for the 2 weeks he had off for Christmas after only 1 week back at teaching), he only took a few days off from coaching (which I was completely fine with since he would only be gone for a few hours everyday & we had his mom or my mom stay at our house for the first 2 weeks of Abram's life...loved that :) I really appreciated their help since my midwife only wanted me climbing the stairs in our house a max of twice per day after my surgery (another huge reason why we will try for a VBAC for the next one, for sure). While I always had a big bin of things I needed for the day that I climbed the stairs with (once in the morning & once in the evening), I usually forgot something that Matthew's mom or my mom would have to go & fetch for me.
So anyway...back to my original post...
Suddenly, when Abram was 5 months old, I finally decided to cave & let Abram do his thing...and I found that...
he nursed when he wanted to nurse, he slept when he wanted to sleep, & magically, he started to sleep longer!
Instead of feeding him every 3 hours (like most things I read suggested) & trying to get him to sleep around his eating "schedule", I started to let him eat when he wanted (which at first, stretched into 4-5 hours between feedings). I don't know why I started doing the every 3 hour thing. Until he was 2 months old, I nursed him on demand to keep my supply up. When he was about 12 weeks old, I started feeding him every 3 hours (during the day) & on demand at night (I always feed him on demand once it was dark out & never woke him to eat). I think I thought if I let him go longer than 3 hours between feedings during the day that he would starve, which is completely irrational because babies are self regulating. It is physically impossible for them to eat more/more often than they need (until they get to be about 6 months old & may not need night feedings anymore...Abram dropped his night feeding at 5 months old). How often he wants to eat has waxed & waned since then...for example, right when A.B. turned 6 months old he nursed for anywhere from 15-45 min. depending on the day & time, five times per day, plus 2 solid meals of .5-1 tablespoon of organic, homemade fruits or veggies. I thought that was a lot until he hit 7 months....now he's nursing up to 6 times per day (the length of time he nurses has not changed) AND eating
at least a whole pound of organic, homemade fruits & veggies everyday. He's totally making up for the fact that he only gained half a pound between his 4 to 6 month well baby visits.
He has always slept wonderfully at night...I mean, the kiddo has been a dream at night from day 1. With the exception of 2 nights since he's been born, little man has been awake for no more than the time it takes to feed him & then he's back out. This has most to do with the awesomeness that is swaddling. I started swaddling him at 3 weeks old, hoping that his night feedings would stretch from 4 hours between feedings to 5 hours & it worked right away. Little boy is extremely sensitive to movement & would always wake himself up with his startle reflex. Swaddling him with
The Miracle Blanket at night &
SwaddleMe's for nap times increased his night sleep from 5 hours in a row at 3 weeks old to a gain of a 20 min. increase per week until he sleep for 12 hours in a row at 5 months. And yes, at almost 8 months old, I still swaddle him. I hear Dr. Sear's tisk-tisking me right now, but I also hear the American Academy of Pediatrics telling me that some children need to be swaddled until the are 9 months old. Besides, he always busts his arms of his nap swaddle as soon as I velcro it & at some point during the night, he wiggles completely out of his night swaddle in his sleep...he'll probably completely wean himself off his swaddle in another few weeks. So, we have always had nighttime taken care of, but daytime was a completely different story.
Until I started following the advice in
Dr. Marc Weissbluth's "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", Abram sometimes only napped for AN HOUR
TOTAL DURING THE WHOLD DAY. I had read the book before Abram was born, but I spent more time looking for Abram's sleepy "cues" than Abram's time frame. Dr. Weissbluth states that a baby should be awake for no more than 2 hours before they should be put down for a nap/bedtime. The more I looked for Abram's cues (rubbing eyes, yawning) the more I tended to miss them. When he was 3 months old, I started a sleep log like the book suggested. I put down the times Abram slept as well as how & where he slept. I kept this up for 1.5 months & then I decided that the stupid log was ruling me & I stopped. Finally around the time he was 5 months old, I started keeping track of how long Abram was awake & started to put him down for a nap after he had been awake for 1.5 hours & HE STARTED SLEEPING BETTER!!! It turns out that Abram just didn't display sleepy cues like the average baby until he was about 6 months old.
So instead of a schedule, we have developed a routine. It has changed in varying degrees since we first started, but here it is...
ROUTINE
We start the day when Abram wakes up & instead of using specific times (like 10:00 or noon) we go by time frames (he is only awake for 1.5-2 hours before he goes back down for a nap, he eats his solid meals in the early afternoon & right before his bedtime nursing...the only exception to the time frame-rather-than-time is bedtime (between 7:00-7:30)
7:00-7:30 AM - Abram wakes up in his crib, I change & nurse in our guest bedroom so we don't wake Daddy
8:00ish - Abram starts to get tired so I do his sleepy time routine (pop in the
binky,
swaddle him while singing his lullaby, & turn on his
crib soother &
seahorse)...he busts his arms out of the swaddle right away (the swaddle is a sleepy cue we use so he knows it's time to relax & get ready to sleep) & plays with the few toys (his
taggie [Blue Bubbles], his bink, Carl (his plush red crab), teething ring, or rubber ducky) we keep in his crib. I know, to reduce SIDS, you should have the baby only in his crib, but once a baby is 6 months old, their risk drops dramatically since they can roll & move. Usually Abram falls asleep within a few minutes of playing while holding his seahorse or his
Wubbanub...so cute!
9:00ish - Abram wakes up, I change his diaper & put him in his outfit for the day, & nurse him
11:00ish (or about 2 hours after he has woken up from his 1st nap) - it's 2nd nap time (sleepy time routine again)
12:00-1:00ish...or about 1-2 hours after he fell asleep - Abram wakes up, I change & nurse him
1:00-2:00ish...we spend 30 min. on a solid meal feeding - 1/2 lb. of FRUIT (we started out doing
Baby Led Weaning (BLW), but he was only eating .5 to 1 tablespoon of organic fruits & veggies so we tried pureeing them & he started eating more & napping longer. I LOVED BLW, but Abram happens to prefer purees to gnawing on actual pieces of fruits or veggies, so we'll try BLW with the next one
2:30-3:30ish (or about 2 hours after he has woken up from his 2nd nap) - it's 3rd nap time (sleepy time routine again)
4:00-5:30ish...or about 1-2 hours after he fell asleep - Abram wakes up, I change & nurse him
5:30ish - 1/2 lb. of VEGGIES (same details as his fruit solids)
6:00ish (on Sun. & Thurs. or any day we go swimming) - bath night
6:15ish (every night) - clean his face, hands, & feet with a washcloth (if it's not bath night),
lotion him up, brush hair, dress him in his jam jams while we listen to his Christian Baby CDs, Prayer Time,
Bible Time
6:45ish - last nursing of the day
Anytime Abram is awake he rotates between playing with me or Matt on the couch or bed, going on walks or errands with Matthew, Aslan, & I...playing with his
Activity Table, playing in his
ExerSaucer,
Rocker,
Jumper,
Pack 'n Play Playard or
Swing (thankfully the swing was a 2nd hand purchase by my dad & stepmom...he can only stand about 15 min. max in there before he wants out).
You may have noticed that this routine doesn't allow time for running errands or getting out. Sometimes Abram just doesn't want to go down for his 3rd nap. I think this is because he is slowly starting to transition from 3 naps to 2 naps. Just a few weeks ago, he was napping 4 times per day & he's starting to act like he did when he was transitioning from 4 naps to 3. So on the occasional day when he doesn't want to take his 3rd nap, we'll go out then & he'll fall asleep in the car. Most days I just wait until after 7:00 PM to go out (to my Monday night Bible Study or just run errands). So while I would love to go to Story Time at the Library or go out to a play date (instead of host it), I know that soon enough Abram will only be taking 2 naps everyday & we can schedule those things then :) Getting his naps in & having this routine is what is most important for him now & while it may put a hitch in my daily plans, Matthew's gentle reminders from when Abram was little & not napping much pop into my head..."he's just a baby & he's only a baby once, this is what he needs, & we'll have all the time in the world later to do those things." It's not like I feel like we're missing out on too much...on weekends, we're more lax with the routine. We go out as a family to get togethers with extended family & friends. At least once per month Matthew & I have get-togethers with our friends & their kiddos that are scheduled around naps on the weekends. We've had as many as 2 pack 'n plays set up in rooms with a kid in each...it's pretty funny, but it works for us :) And though I work from home part time, we schedule one travel day per week when I take a day off (during the week while Matthew is teaching) so we can travel to visit at a family member's or friend's house for the day. If there is no pack 'n play where we are, we take ours, so Abram can still stay on some sort of routine.
Abram's sleepy time nap routine usually goes off without a hitch. When we first started his routine when he was around 5 months old & I when to put him down after being awake for 1.5 hours, he just didn't want to sleep. Sometimes, Abram would start to hoot after 10-15 minutes of playing in his crib so I would go in, re-swaddle him, turn his seahorse back on, & sing a minute of his lullaby to him before I would leave & try to let him fall asleep on his own again. If I had to go in a 3rd time, he would usually start to shed some tears when I would try to leave, so I'd pick him up, put him in our
Ergo, & walk around with him until he drifted off (usually within a few minutes). If we had errands to run, & the Ergo didn't do the trick, little man went in his car seat & he'll took that nap while I ran errands. Thankfully, it only took about 2 weeks of this practice before he started falling asleep in his own within a few minutes of initially laying him down.
While Matthew & I don't like the fact that occasionally Abram's hoots turn into cries, we always pick him up if tears start to be shed. Not that there is anything wrong with letting an older baby cry it out if they are fed, changed, & tired (but won't sleep)...Matthew & I decided that crying it out is just not for us. Most of the time if he starts hooting, he'll distract himself with a toy until he falls asleep. Routines just take a longer time to develop rather than going straight to a schedule & we're fine with that. My mom let me cry it out & I know very healthy & happy children whose parents do the same. If the next baby is a horrible sleeper, then we may revisit where we stand on the issue, but for now, it's just not our thing.
So that's how we do it in the Fohner Household. Not sure if this helps anyone. I hope it does. Even if it doesn't, I have it on record for the next one so when I feel like I'm going insane again I can remember I wrote this & that future Fohner babies will eventually fall into their own routine :)
